Tuesday, April 24
朋友们，对不起！
上班上得很累。觉得上个周末，我确实是做得太过份了。现在要挽救，恐怕已很难了。自闭症发作，却无法战胜，好失败。怎么才可以回到以前，又可以保持那份稳重可靠？
原来，后悔的感觉是这样的，原来，被懊悔侵蚀的心，是这么难受的。遗憾，搞得这几天都睡得不太好，超累的。原来我考虑得太多了，原来我是个胆小鬼，原来我已经没有心留下来了，原来，原来，我想回家了。
因为经济上的问题，所以留下来。大块说，人就是在没钱的时候才会回家的。嗯，也许吧！可这却不太像我的作风。
对有个人很失望，原来，他是这样的，原来，在他眼中，我是这样的。
年龄，真的不是个问题吗？应该跨出那一步吗？可以相信他吗？每次打救我的那几个朋友已经不在身边了，有点不安。觉得有点无聊，怎么每个人都在帮我思考着那个问题，而我却显得不在乎。也许是没有长久留下来的打算，所以不在乎吧。
原来，二十多岁，是那么不安定的阶段。原来，我已经二十六了。原来，我已经漂浮得好累了。原来，我想停歇了。
外面下着绵绵细雨，好想念从前在雨中漫步的日子。。多希望此刻可以出去走走。。
自由，突然好像流沙一样，从我指缝间流失了。想把它捉住，但，捉得越紧的流沙会消失得越快。
原来的原来，我失去了开朗乐观的心，和我的自信。
头发长了，该剪了。
原来，后悔的感觉是这样的，原来，被懊悔侵蚀的心，是这么难受的。遗憾，搞得这几天都睡得不太好，超累的。原来我考虑得太多了，原来我是个胆小鬼，原来我已经没有心留下来了，原来，原来，我想回家了。
因为经济上的问题，所以留下来。大块说，人就是在没钱的时候才会回家的。嗯，也许吧！可这却不太像我的作风。
对有个人很失望，原来，他是这样的，原来，在他眼中，我是这样的。
年龄，真的不是个问题吗？应该跨出那一步吗？可以相信他吗？每次打救我的那几个朋友已经不在身边了，有点不安。觉得有点无聊，怎么每个人都在帮我思考着那个问题，而我却显得不在乎。也许是没有长久留下来的打算，所以不在乎吧。
原来，二十多岁，是那么不安定的阶段。原来，我已经二十六了。原来，我已经漂浮得好累了。原来，我想停歇了。
外面下着绵绵细雨，好想念从前在雨中漫步的日子。。多希望此刻可以出去走走。。
自由，突然好像流沙一样，从我指缝间流失了。想把它捉住，但，捉得越紧的流沙会消失得越快。
原来的原来，我失去了开朗乐观的心，和我的自信。
头发长了，该剪了。
Wednesday, April 18
Women with "POWER"
Working with woman is a quite okay matter, working with a womanized woman is a somewhat tough matter (cause they can never make up their mind), working with your-boss's wife-womanized woman is a tough thing (cause you can't tell them to hurry up when they can't make up their mind), working with your-bosses's wives-womanized women is freaking impossible!!
Why does woman want to put their emotions into things? Why can't they learn to calm down and sort things through? Why does a small little sand can be seen as a freaking huge rock? Why do they always want to stir things up when there is actually nothing in the pot? Why do they always start those rumors, backstabbing, fingerpointing, denying, irresponsible, pretentious-short-term-memory lost and all other negative acts? Why can't they make peace with others? Why can't they freaking own up to what they did instead of covering it up and blaming on others? Why don't they have a better customer skills? Why can't they treat customer politely? Freaking 40 50s something and still acted like a fucking high school kids!!
I am so tired of everything.
I haven't seen someone so angry with me for a very long time. I haven't seen myself reacted so unprofessionally for a very long time. I am ashamed of myself and I am mad at myself. I am glad that I held my tongue for most things.
The only thing I am blessed with is having Romeo with me today. Otherwise, things can really go south's south and they would have received my resignation letter tomorrow. It is a great feeling when the whole world turned on you and someone came and tell you everything is going to be alright and actually stood by you throughout.
I can't wait to get this responsibility off my back. The sooner, the better.
Why does woman want to put their emotions into things? Why can't they learn to calm down and sort things through? Why does a small little sand can be seen as a freaking huge rock? Why do they always want to stir things up when there is actually nothing in the pot? Why do they always start those rumors, backstabbing, fingerpointing, denying, irresponsible, pretentious-short-term-memory lost and all other negative acts? Why can't they make peace with others? Why can't they freaking own up to what they did instead of covering it up and blaming on others? Why don't they have a better customer skills? Why can't they treat customer politely? Freaking 40 50s something and still acted like a fucking high school kids!!
I am so tired of everything.
I haven't seen someone so angry with me for a very long time. I haven't seen myself reacted so unprofessionally for a very long time. I am ashamed of myself and I am mad at myself. I am glad that I held my tongue for most things.
The only thing I am blessed with is having Romeo with me today. Otherwise, things can really go south's south and they would have received my resignation letter tomorrow. It is a great feeling when the whole world turned on you and someone came and tell you everything is going to be alright and actually stood by you throughout.
I can't wait to get this responsibility off my back. The sooner, the better.
Monday, April 16
不管三七二十一
今天上班上到一半，突然有個疑問。
為甚麼中國俗語要說“不管三七二十一”而不是“六四二十四”或“三六十八”或“五四二十”之類的呢？“六四二十四”別說啦，是和“三七二十一”一樣長，但“三六十八”或“五四二十”不是比較好嗎？或更好的，“一一一”，或“一二二”短一點，省點時間和力氣！時間就是金錢吶！不過，會用這類話語的人，也是蠻長氣的人了，所以也不會這麼在乎多或少幾個字吧！
只是個很無聊的想法。
烤吐司的香味。。晚餐！
為甚麼中國俗語要說“不管三七二十一”而不是“六四二十四”或“三六十八”或“五四二十”之類的呢？“六四二十四”別說啦，是和“三七二十一”一樣長，但“三六十八”或“五四二十”不是比較好嗎？或更好的，“一一一”，或“一二二”短一點，省點時間和力氣！時間就是金錢吶！不過，會用這類話語的人，也是蠻長氣的人了，所以也不會這麼在乎多或少幾個字吧！
只是個很無聊的想法。
烤吐司的香味。。晚餐！
Friday, April 13
長大
開著車，從停車場出來的時候，看見一班女孩嬉鬧著走進超市，想想，我有多久沒這麼做了。
開著開著，經過一輛車，看間個男孩和女孩拉扯玩鬧著，想想，我有多久沒這麼做了。
這些玩鬧無聊的舉動，好像離我很遠了。年輕，多好！
想起幾年前，曾經也是那麼地愛玩，也曾拉著大惡魔的衣角，從梳邦的公寓走去吃晚餐，嬉哈玩鬧著，就是不肯放開他。也想起我們半夜三更爬上公寓里的椰樹偷椰子，生日被捉起拋進泳池，在公寓露台燒烤等等無聊幼稚的行為，原來，我也曾經年輕過！
現在，長大了，了解很多事情不是你想像中那麼簡單。即使你想把他們簡單化，在別人眼中，卻很多時候是另一回事兒。也開始了解男女有別，也了解有些誤會是不那麼容易解開的，也不敢再這麼玩了。
有時真的很想回到以前那些友情，想說甚麼，就說甚麼。說了，別人也不會去猜測你背後是否包含著另一個意思，你也不必每天猜測別人話中是否在暗示你甚麼或想表達些甚麼。簡簡單單，快快樂樂。
長大，會失去很多，也相等地，學會了很多待人處世的方式。
有人唱過〈愛的代價〉，為何沒人唱首〈成長的代價〉？
開始明白為何有這麼多人患上憂鬱症，這麼多人自殺，這麼多人墮落，這麼多人選擇相信神的存在了。
開著開著，經過一輛車，看間個男孩和女孩拉扯玩鬧著，想想，我有多久沒這麼做了。
這些玩鬧無聊的舉動，好像離我很遠了。年輕，多好！
想起幾年前，曾經也是那麼地愛玩，也曾拉著大惡魔的衣角，從梳邦的公寓走去吃晚餐，嬉哈玩鬧著，就是不肯放開他。也想起我們半夜三更爬上公寓里的椰樹偷椰子，生日被捉起拋進泳池，在公寓露台燒烤等等無聊幼稚的行為，原來，我也曾經年輕過！
現在，長大了，了解很多事情不是你想像中那麼簡單。即使你想把他們簡單化，在別人眼中，卻很多時候是另一回事兒。也開始了解男女有別，也了解有些誤會是不那麼容易解開的，也不敢再這麼玩了。
有時真的很想回到以前那些友情，想說甚麼，就說甚麼。說了，別人也不會去猜測你背後是否包含著另一個意思，你也不必每天猜測別人話中是否在暗示你甚麼或想表達些甚麼。簡簡單單，快快樂樂。
長大，會失去很多，也相等地，學會了很多待人處世的方式。
有人唱過〈愛的代價〉，為何沒人唱首〈成長的代價〉？
開始明白為何有這麼多人患上憂鬱症，這麼多人自殺，這麼多人墮落，這麼多人選擇相信神的存在了。
Thursday, April 12
Ballet
"Ballet is an art of torture" Me, 2007.
I know that these words sounded like I am jealous about people who can do ballet but no, I am not jealous. Ballet, is really an art of torture!
Look at those Ballerina, they have to be skinny and maintain a certain weight. Have you watch "Center Stage" before? Have you seen how those girls trying to maintain their weight just so that they can be a ballerina? It is sad and torturing!! Some of them even need to go through a recovery process after they quit dancing in order to get their period back and get pregnant. Isn't that a torture?
Being able to stand on the tip of your toes. That, is a torture too! I remember seeing people wearing that point shoes and got bloody toes and it was just...torturing!! Yuck!!!
I know that these words sounded like I am jealous about people who can do ballet but no, I am not jealous. Ballet, is really an art of torture!
Look at those Ballerina, they have to be skinny and maintain a certain weight. Have you watch "Center Stage" before? Have you seen how those girls trying to maintain their weight just so that they can be a ballerina? It is sad and torturing!! Some of them even need to go through a recovery process after they quit dancing in order to get their period back and get pregnant. Isn't that a torture?
Being able to stand on the tip of your toes. That, is a torture too! I remember seeing people wearing that point shoes and got bloody toes and it was just...torturing!! Yuck!!!
Weight discrimination. I know most people don't know much about ballet. They always thought that only skinny people can do ballet. That, is not true. Is true that only skinny people can be a professional ballerina but not only skinny people can do ballet. People who are not so skinny can do ballet as well. It is about how you dance it, it is not about the weight. I have seen chubby people who can dance better than those skinny people especially when they are doing the jumps and spin. But to be a professional ballerina, you have to be skinny. Otherwise, the male ballerina who carries you will need an appointment with the doctor or chiropractor.
One of the few good memories I had with ballet was "Romeo and Juliet". I remembered me, CL and K went for this show when they had it in Ames. At first, I thought it was a play like Mama Mia! After we got into the theater and started reading the guide, we found out that it was a ballet Romeo and Juliet!! Good...half way through the show, K fell asleep (luckily he didn't snore). Hahaha..that was one of the fun memory!
Well, afterall, ballet is not such a bad thing. It is actually a very good exercise, as long as you don't dream to be a ballerina.
Wednesday, April 11
！！
是不是當了母親之後人都變得憔悴了？突然惊覺青春苦短。
前幾天，和父親聊天聊了蠻久，這一次，卻不是聊生意。開始和父親聊起我想漂泊遊蕩的心態，不想這麼快安定下來的心情。理所當然地，始終認為女人嫁人才是最終的歸宿的父親是不會認同的。愛和他鬧的我，當然是把他搬出來當例子了(父親年界三十才結婚)，還不停地向他數說當今的離婚率是多少，即使沒離婚的，婚姻出軌的又會是多少等等問題，又和他說起有些男人是有多爁、多不成熟、多沒出息、沒骨氣等等，所有壞處都被我數完了。父親被我搞得好氣又好笑。
說真的，結婚有甚麼好？向全世界宣告你想和那個人終生廝守？我覺得，女人結婚真的很划不來。
一、要做家務
沒結婚的時候，你做的只是自己的份兒；結了婚，八十巴仙(尤其是亞洲社會)都是女人做家務。男人呢？婚前會自己做的家務，婚後卻很多都像退化了，不會做家務了。多划不來！婚前，煮飯也是自己吃，好不好吃，都無所謂。婚後，要煮給兩個人吃，還會擔心被人嫌棄，多煩惱！
二、要照顧孩子
不小心，生了孩子，不但還要照顧小孩，身型還會走樣，還會患上產後憂鬱症，事業又不能盡力去做出成就。小孩顧不好，又被人說閒話。請個工人來，卻擔心丈夫和那工人搞上了，真是自討苦吃。
三、經濟不能獨立
在忙完了家之後，僅於的精力也所剩無幾，事業上要有成就都很難。賺回來的錢，很多時候還得幫補家用，搞到最後，都沒餘下多少。無奈。
四、失去了私人時間
單身的時候，想一個人就一個人，想和朋友出去就和朋友出去，想開兩個小時的車去找朋友就去，沒人會說甚麼。結了婚，想和朋友出去，有時都會很難，更別說開兩個小時的車去找朋友了。有了孩子，恐怕想都別想了。
其實，結婚也不是真的那麼差。我想，我的問題是在我不能接受大男人主意的沙豬社會。算了，嫁個外國人好過。
好吧，不回了！
前幾天，和父親聊天聊了蠻久，這一次，卻不是聊生意。開始和父親聊起我想漂泊遊蕩的心態，不想這麼快安定下來的心情。理所當然地，始終認為女人嫁人才是最終的歸宿的父親是不會認同的。愛和他鬧的我，當然是把他搬出來當例子了(父親年界三十才結婚)，還不停地向他數說當今的離婚率是多少，即使沒離婚的，婚姻出軌的又會是多少等等問題，又和他說起有些男人是有多爁、多不成熟、多沒出息、沒骨氣等等，所有壞處都被我數完了。父親被我搞得好氣又好笑。
說真的，結婚有甚麼好？向全世界宣告你想和那個人終生廝守？我覺得，女人結婚真的很划不來。
一、要做家務
沒結婚的時候，你做的只是自己的份兒；結了婚，八十巴仙(尤其是亞洲社會)都是女人做家務。男人呢？婚前會自己做的家務，婚後卻很多都像退化了，不會做家務了。多划不來！婚前，煮飯也是自己吃，好不好吃，都無所謂。婚後，要煮給兩個人吃，還會擔心被人嫌棄，多煩惱！
二、要照顧孩子
不小心，生了孩子，不但還要照顧小孩，身型還會走樣，還會患上產後憂鬱症，事業又不能盡力去做出成就。小孩顧不好，又被人說閒話。請個工人來，卻擔心丈夫和那工人搞上了，真是自討苦吃。
三、經濟不能獨立
在忙完了家之後，僅於的精力也所剩無幾，事業上要有成就都很難。賺回來的錢，很多時候還得幫補家用，搞到最後，都沒餘下多少。無奈。
四、失去了私人時間
單身的時候，想一個人就一個人，想和朋友出去就和朋友出去，想開兩個小時的車去找朋友就去，沒人會說甚麼。結了婚，想和朋友出去，有時都會很難，更別說開兩個小時的車去找朋友了。有了孩子，恐怕想都別想了。
其實，結婚也不是真的那麼差。我想，我的問題是在我不能接受大男人主意的沙豬社會。算了，嫁個外國人好過。
好吧，不回了！
Wednesday, April 4
恐怖哪！！
最近，兩個朋友生了孩子，都是女兒。幸運地，看見了其中一個朋友抱著女兒的相片。
看著相片發呆的時候，突然覺得好恐怖。回想起來，其實她和我同年，稍微大我一個多月吧。她丈夫也只是大我們兩年而已，我沒記錯的話。在這個年齡當父母，好像很恐怖也。
發呆發呆。。想著想著。。還是。。很恐怖！！二十四歲也！當媽媽了！！天哪！還好我沒結婚！嚇死人了！我媽都二十五歲才生個女兒，而且是幾十年前的事了，恐怖哪！
去洗個熱水澡，定定神。
看著相片發呆的時候，突然覺得好恐怖。回想起來，其實她和我同年，稍微大我一個多月吧。她丈夫也只是大我們兩年而已，我沒記錯的話。在這個年齡當父母，好像很恐怖也。
發呆發呆。。想著想著。。還是。。很恐怖！！二十四歲也！當媽媽了！！天哪！還好我沒結婚！嚇死人了！我媽都二十五歲才生個女兒，而且是幾十年前的事了，恐怖哪！
去洗個熱水澡，定定神。
Tuesday, April 3
Another Work Day..
Very exhausted today. Broke my record by getting off work at 8:15pm. It was tiring but sastifying. I did things that I have never done it before.
Both Plant Manager and General Manager are not in today. I am the next one on the "throne", I have to take charge. It was quite frustrating at one point because those hourly workers were trying to drag their feet and worked VERY slow. The job that only took 5 hours, they got it done in 7 hours. It was ridiculous! PM knew it all along and he hasn't done anything to try to improve it. It was frustrating because PM can't find the balance between company's profit and worker's benefit. The job that was scheduled for today and yesterday, can be done in 1 day. I have seen it done before and it was definitely do-able without even overworking the workers! He just didn't want to do it! I do not understand why! Is like he got something to hide!
I think the problem is that he forgot to order more ingredients and he can't do it. If he did, then we all will know about that and he will look bad cause this was not the first time that happened! Anyhow, it happened. Early in the morning after I got into the office, the mixer came up to me and said that we ran out of eggs. After making a few phone calls, everything settled. Then, I have to find something for those mixer guys to do while they were waiting for the eggs. At the meantime, I got 9 different R&D projects on my hand that needs to be done by Thursday, got the whole freezer inventory to count, have 12 babies to babysit, and have a few follow up phone calls to make. Is impossible to do everything at once especially doing the inventory and babysitting at the same time.
It was quite an experience today. I got the freezer inventory done and gave those babies some nightmare to..make them realize that they should not mess with me. Too bad that I let them milked about 20 minutes today.
Mission considered --- FAILED.
Both Plant Manager and General Manager are not in today. I am the next one on the "throne", I have to take charge. It was quite frustrating at one point because those hourly workers were trying to drag their feet and worked VERY slow. The job that only took 5 hours, they got it done in 7 hours. It was ridiculous! PM knew it all along and he hasn't done anything to try to improve it. It was frustrating because PM can't find the balance between company's profit and worker's benefit. The job that was scheduled for today and yesterday, can be done in 1 day. I have seen it done before and it was definitely do-able without even overworking the workers! He just didn't want to do it! I do not understand why! Is like he got something to hide!
I think the problem is that he forgot to order more ingredients and he can't do it. If he did, then we all will know about that and he will look bad cause this was not the first time that happened! Anyhow, it happened. Early in the morning after I got into the office, the mixer came up to me and said that we ran out of eggs. After making a few phone calls, everything settled. Then, I have to find something for those mixer guys to do while they were waiting for the eggs. At the meantime, I got 9 different R&D projects on my hand that needs to be done by Thursday, got the whole freezer inventory to count, have 12 babies to babysit, and have a few follow up phone calls to make. Is impossible to do everything at once especially doing the inventory and babysitting at the same time.
It was quite an experience today. I got the freezer inventory done and gave those babies some nightmare to..make them realize that they should not mess with me. Too bad that I let them milked about 20 minutes today.
Mission considered --- FAILED.
Sunday, April 1
Alone = Lonely??
Started to get annoyed by people asking me what did you do for the weekend.
When I said nothing, or when I said I went out by myself, they started giving me some weird reaction. It is like going out by yourself is something weird. Honestly, I am very much enjoy going out by myself.
Shopping
I hated it when I go shopping with friends and they have to wait for me if it takes me longer to decide on something or to try on some clothes. Some friends are different, of course. If I go by myself, I can choose to go at anytime and leave at anytime. I can choose to visit some store, or not even visit any store. The only thing that I don't like shopping by myself is that I don't get any opinion about how the clothes look on me and nobody to stop me when I am buying something that I really don't need. I am trying really hard to not buy anything that I don't need. I think I am quite successful so far that I slipped maybe 3 times so far. Hehehe..
Weekend
I went back last time and it was quite overwhelming to spend the whole weekend there. I felt like my life just passed me and I was wasting my time. I could've done many other things than just going to bars and sit there and breath in all those cigarette smoke, drinking those expensive shots or beer that are expensive and tasteless, yell at each other so that we can hear each other and felt like you are losing your hearing after you walked out from the bars. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy hanging out with my friends but there should be a limit there. I think a nice long dinner or lunch is pretty sufficient. Going to bars is quite unneccessary especially when you don't really feel like dancing with your best friend's ex-bf because you know that will upset her. I enjoy having a nice dinner, drinking expensive but nice cocktail drink or beer, and just plainly hanging out and catching up with each other's life without have to suffer through those loud music and avoiding those drunk's from bumping into you.
I guessed I have moved on to another stage of my life or I am just plainly weird that way.
I enjoy doing things myself and having control over what I want to do with my spare time. I hate to have to report to people, or get tons of phone call when I want to be alone, and then feel bad and have to do something that I don't want to.
People felt sorry for you when they hear that you are being alone. That is not the case for me. Alone to me, does not equal Lonely. Alone to me, equals, 80% Freedom and 20% Lonely. That 20%, I have been able to handle them very well.
When I said nothing, or when I said I went out by myself, they started giving me some weird reaction. It is like going out by yourself is something weird. Honestly, I am very much enjoy going out by myself.
Shopping
I hated it when I go shopping with friends and they have to wait for me if it takes me longer to decide on something or to try on some clothes. Some friends are different, of course. If I go by myself, I can choose to go at anytime and leave at anytime. I can choose to visit some store, or not even visit any store. The only thing that I don't like shopping by myself is that I don't get any opinion about how the clothes look on me and nobody to stop me when I am buying something that I really don't need. I am trying really hard to not buy anything that I don't need. I think I am quite successful so far that I slipped maybe 3 times so far. Hehehe..
Weekend
I went back last time and it was quite overwhelming to spend the whole weekend there. I felt like my life just passed me and I was wasting my time. I could've done many other things than just going to bars and sit there and breath in all those cigarette smoke, drinking those expensive shots or beer that are expensive and tasteless, yell at each other so that we can hear each other and felt like you are losing your hearing after you walked out from the bars. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy hanging out with my friends but there should be a limit there. I think a nice long dinner or lunch is pretty sufficient. Going to bars is quite unneccessary especially when you don't really feel like dancing with your best friend's ex-bf because you know that will upset her. I enjoy having a nice dinner, drinking expensive but nice cocktail drink or beer, and just plainly hanging out and catching up with each other's life without have to suffer through those loud music and avoiding those drunk's from bumping into you.
I guessed I have moved on to another stage of my life or I am just plainly weird that way.
I enjoy doing things myself and having control over what I want to do with my spare time. I hate to have to report to people, or get tons of phone call when I want to be alone, and then feel bad and have to do something that I don't want to.
People felt sorry for you when they hear that you are being alone. That is not the case for me. Alone to me, does not equal Lonely. Alone to me, equals, 80% Freedom and 20% Lonely. That 20%, I have been able to handle them very well.
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